17 Aug 10 Stress Free Relationships on Holiday
Let’s face it, although holidays are meant to be a time for celebrating and having fun with family and friends, eating great food and relaxing, they’re also the times when we are most prone to stress and pressures in our relationships.
According to Femalefirst magazine, research results from match.com and Expedia revealed that almost half of Brits developed conflicts during their holidays and nearly one in ten couples split up and a further percentage of married couples started divorce proceeding after their holidays.
So why might our relationships be at risk? A few common pitfalls may hinge around the emotional issues that we tend to take with us on holiday. Money worries and problems at work for instance may trigger flare-ups and conflicts with our partners and hinder us from enjoying our holidays even when we are surrounded by the people we love and in the midst of the most relaxing of environments.
Some people find themselves wanting to be left alone when they are experiencing these anxieties. They become irritable over the tiniest things, or even say things that may intentionally push loved ones away.
We must remember that the more we stock up our concerns in silence the more unlikely we are able to enjoy our holidays with each other. And no matter how long we may have known each other, we can’t expect our partners to read our minds.
Psychiatrist Mark Goulston, MD, the author of Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, observes that “People often think their significant others should be able to read their minds,” he further points out that it is unfair for us to expect our partners to know what is bothering us without first opening up to them.
This emotional gap doesn’t have to be, we need to remember that our core concern is to enjoy our holiday times together and maintain closeness. If we take time to talk to each other about what it is that is worrying us we will not only increase the chances of having a wonderful time but also become closer as a couple.
There are of course other triggers of conflict with our partners whilst on holiday besides the emotional issues we take with us on holiday. Some of us spend far too much time worrying about others. It is hard enough trying to ensure that our families, kids and relatives are all happy and having a good time. If we are not careful we may find that there is little room for us to cater for our own happiness and even neglect that of our partners. We probably have high expectations; and have planned things to go accordingly to our ultimate perfection. No wonder we are disappointed when things don’t go according to plan. And yet if we can learn to be flexible and reduce expectations; we can enjoy our holidays more.
Holidays are a great time of joy to share and remember for days to come. They can enhance the health of our relationship both as a couple and as a family. That is why getting on better at this time is of great importance.
Thecoupleconnection.net offers free relationship advice on a wide range of relationship issues. We provide a range of resources from articles, to video’s and research on how to improve your relationship including useful advice for family help.
Tags: Family Help, Family support, relationship advice, relationship issues
29 Jul 10 Relationship Books from The Book Room
Communication to sex and parenting to jealousy – find all the latest books on families and relationship advice in thecoupleconnection.net’s newest feature – The Book Room!
thecoupleconnection.net is launching a book room where it’s quarter of a million users can access a library of relationship books, parenting books and buy online.
The book room will feature the newest releases, as well as reviews from guest writers and recommendations from thecoupleconnection.net team.
thecoupleconnection.net was created by One Plus One, the UK’s leading relationships research organisation which has 40 years of experience as well as a library of over 6,000 books and articles. This knowledge has been used to draw together the library of books featured in the book room, including books by John Gottman, Susan Quilliam, Sue Gerhardt and many, many more.
Kate Figes, who recently wrote the book ‘Couples: The Truth’ said of the Book Room:
“What a good idea. One Plus One have a well stocked library and it was a great help researching couples. There is a wealth of knowledge in the hundreds of relationship books and family books each year. But which are the best? This is a welcome addition to thecoupleconnection.net service.”
Notes to editors:
thecoupleconnection.net was launched in August 2008. The service has had over 250,000 visits since its launch and approximately 20,000 visits each month. From October 2009 to January 2010 the service was evaluated. The executive summary is available from: http://www.oneplusone.org.uk/Publications/thecoupleconnection.netEvaluation.pdf
One Plus One is the UK’s leading relationships research organisation. We investigate what makes relationships work or fall apart and create innovative ways of disseminating that information to couples and families as well as working with front line practitioners. In 2011 One Plus One will celebrate its 40th anniversary. The One Plus One website provides information about all our services, training, and research http://www.oneplusone.org.uk
If you would like further information or to discuss the Book Room please contact Laura Dimmock, Information Officer on 0207 553 9530 or at ld@oneplusone.org.uk.
About thecoupleconnection.net
thecoupleconnection.net is part of the One Plus One’s family of websites and focuses on providing relationship advice. The Book Room is an innovative feature that will provide couples with the premier relationship books, as well as cater for families from it’s selection of family and parenting books.
Tags: Book Review, Books online, family advice, Family Books, Online Book, Parenting Advice, Parenting Books, relationship advice, Relationship Books
29 Jul 10 Choosing Your Books Online
Whether it is fiction or non fiction that takes your fancy, a good summer holiday is best topped up with a good read that you can recommend and share with friends and workmates. These days there are plenty of books to choose from and the rise in eBooks means that more and more of us are resorting to online reviews and downloads for our publications. If however, you are looking to altogether enhance your reading experience, something else perhaps to consider is joining a book club or group.
Given the rise of online reviews, fewer people are aware of the differences between good reviews and bad ones and as a result they may make poor choices based on insufficient material from the reviewer. Most writers would agree on a few components of a good book review and the challenge lies in the reviewer’s ability to observe them. Reviewers should avoid giving a way too much of the story.
Many reviews may have put people off reading a book because too much has been given away by the reviewer. In the example of a good fictional book review, should ideally comment on the author’s style and how they have developed the characters without giving too much of the plot away.
Marie is a keen reader and reflects on her experiences of reading recommended books “before I joined my reading group, my friends used to recommend books that I usually didn’t like but was too polite to decline because I knew, that they would follow their recommendations up with a series of ‘How did you find it?’ questions.
However things have changed for me since I joined a book club and it is a perfect excuse for me to say that, I am still reading my book club recommends maybe when I finish it. I am now able to have my say on the reading guide and I have been introduced to interesting books that I wouldn’t normally have read.
We are able to discuss relevant areas like the setting, the themes, the characters and the overall flow of the language and how the book has made us feel. These discussions are always exciting for me because rarely do we express similar experiences and perspectives on a particular book. I like the fact that I always come away enriched with other people’s understanding of a book, besides my own.
I have also since learnt that choosing a book club to belong to is not as straight forward as I had envisaged. In my experience I joined three clubs before I found the one that I could relate to.”
Some people are quite specific about the type of books they want to read and these would most certainly have an influence on the type of club they choose to join. However if you are open to all types of books whether they are seriously funny, factual or oddly inspiring stories that are either fictional or non fictional, there are many book clubs to choose from, whether in your locality, or online.
About The Couple Connection
The coupleconnection.net offers a new online Book Room facility where everyone is welcome to browse a range of genres including relationship books, getting on better with your partner, intimacy, parenting books, family books and speciality books on having a child with additional needs. The Couple Connection provides relationship advice on important ways to improve your relationship by enhancing your understanding of what makes relationships work or fail.
Tags: Book Review, Books online, Family Books, Online Book, Parenting Advice, Parenting Books, relationship advice, Relationship Books
12 Jul 10 Becoming a Parent and Your Relationship
Luke and Jane provide relationship advice to couples having a baby. Based on their experience of having a new baby and how supporting each other has helped them grow as a family.
“By the time the baby arrives, we will have read all the books, got all the online tips and we will have taken plenty advice from family and friends. However, even with all the arrangements in place the realities of parenting can be overwhelming.
When Luke and I became parents for the first time we knew that there were going to be sleepless nights at least for the first couple of weeks. We were geared up for it and our relationship would suffice. However Luke very soon became tired of getting up at two, he became irritable and jealous that I was not spending enough time with him; he told me that he needed to get away from it all.
I was left to look after Joel on my own for four months, inwardly hating what he had done to our relationship. I started feeling bad about the way I looked, I had bad saggy eyes from the lack of sleep, I had put on weight, and I wasn’t looking after myself let alone the baby. The whole situation became overwhelming for me. However when Joel was six months I began to enjoy my moments with him. Luke decided that he had had the time off he needed and that he was ready to play his role as Father again.
Together we started to recognise that with baby Joel we were now family. The quality of our relationship as parents has since grown stronger and we are both delighted to provide a stable, emotional environment for our baby to grow”.
However not all of us are lucky enough to rise above these experiences and come out feeling secure as a couple. We may often wonder how we can determine a disposition of a good quality relationship especially when having a baby.
A safe antidote to always bear in mind is that good parental relationships provide secure environments for your baby to thrive. In their book on ‘Our Sexuality’ Crooks and Baur observe that ‘securely attached adults seem to be best equipped to establish stable, satisfying relationships’.
However although the adult relationship is tentative and even obscure at times, the big token of our satisfaction may come from knowing that we are now a family and most significantly have a baby in common.
Having a new baby is also a time perhaps to reflect on those values that will ensure that there is a strong supportive environment in which you can all grow as a family.
The Couple Connection offers relationship advice through articles, video’s, comments and forums available to couples who are having a baby. Visit our website and share views on the best ways to ensure a loving and nurturing environment for your baby to grow in.
Tags: family advice, Family support, Having a baby, relationship advice
27 May 10 Intimacy and Social Pressures
The social pressures we feel about how we look take their toll on even the most confident of people. This article captures some new approaches to this issue.
Firstly, there is little we can do to tackle the media industry that idolises sexual images. But, in truth we all have the capacity to appreciate ourselves just the way we are. We owe it to ourselves to do just that!
When the way we look – our weight and /or physical appearance – does not match the popular impressions in the media of tall, thin young women, what do we do? Do we stop to think? Are they happy? Or are they happier than we are just because they are taller or slimmer?
We give ourselves lots of heartache by our estimation of the comparative happiness of others. We sometimes forget the pleasures in our lives, what makes us tick and what brings us joy.
If we let social pressures take their toll, we will inevitably give in to feelings of inadequacy: This may lead us to take drastic measures like cosmetic surgery to change the way we look for all the wrong reasons. But, unless these changes are honestly sought, they will only lead us to feelings of dissipation and a consistent urge to keep changing.
Other times the lack of appreciation of ourselves can lead to feelings of social insecurity. While it’s only natural to feel anxious before giving a public speech, some people experience a constant fear of interacting with others. Paranoid thoughts that others will judge us are underlined by deeper social anxieties issues.
How then can we ensure that social pressures do not interfere with our intimate times?
We need to appreciate and indulge ourselves in what makes us tick. Our personalities are unique to us and they are greatly appreciated by our partners, friends and families. Ask your partner what unique personalities he sees in you? For some it is their complex, intellect and funny personality that makes them tick. For others it might be their reserved introvert nature. Remember we are not all the same.
And our uniqueness is a testament that we can’t all fit into the genre that is depicted in the media.
Of course there are a variety of reasons why we may experience loss of intimacy apart from social pressures. It could be due to the environments we are in. Remember we are in an economic crisis at the moment. For some this has meant that they have had to compromise in their living arrangements. Many of us may have money worries or experience pressure at work, or at home. All these issues may play a vital part in the way we feel with others and with our partners.
About Couple Connection:
Thecoupleconnection.net is the perfect destination for relationship advice with articles, interviews, video’s and insight on what makes relationships work. By seeking advice about intimacy problems in relationships we can sometimes start to understand our own relationships a bit more, then take steps to try and make them work better.
Tags: family advice, Intimacy problems, relationship advice, relationship help
05 May 10 Relationships: telling lies and honesty
Great pleasure is enjoyed by those who trust that their loved ones will always act with honesty and integrity. And as many of us perceive honesty to be the cornerstone of our relationships with our partners, we are wired to seek the truth however painful this may be, before we can make our informed choices on whether to stomach things, to forgive or to forget.
On the other hand we may be willing to excuse a “white lie” if we can be persuaded that our partner is motivated by good intentions.
Our partners are similarly faced with grave decisions about whether to tell us the truth or not and this can be a challenge especially if they do not know what the other partner’s reaction is going to be.
How many of us would spontaneously tell their other half something that could spoil our domestic bliss or, cause a rift? In seeking to maintain their approval, we may sometimes feel obliged to tell a white lie. But when does a lie constitute a mere effect of weakness? And when should we take great care to avoid grief and breach of domestic union?
Consider for example the case of a wife lying to her partner about how much she spent on a handbag. Why did she lie? Was she seeking to protect her image as a financially prudent person or, was she seeking to avoid the potential risk of infuriating her husband about a perceived frivolous expense.
Depending on the circumstances, a lie maybe interpreted as an excusable indulgence; a human foible that can be overlooked or a betrayal of your partner’s trust. Many would agree that the price of trust is beyond measure and when faith is eroded, we find it harder to give second chances. Hence a conscious decision to tell the truth (or not) can have far- reaching consequences.
On occasion we may act in haste for fear of loosing our partner or being perceived as a cheat. However we may live to regret the feelings of guilt and anguish that can “eat away” the harmonious relationship that we are so desperately seeking to protect.
Most relationships would benefit from a few tips
Agree that honesty is a priority. Deciding as a couple that you both want open and considerate communication is an incredibly important step in establishing honesty ground rules.
Talk about what you need, not what your partner needs to do. John Gottman, a well known psychologist and expert on marriage and relationships, recommends a ’softened startup’. Example: I’m feeling overwhelmed lately. Would you help me identify some ways I can get some more support? When someone is approached “honestly” about their shortcomings and lacks, it is understandable that they may get defensive and refuse your request or seek revenge later.
Identify topics that are off-limits. Even after you’ve decided to be honest, some topics are too difficult to tackle, especially if they’ve been problematic historically in your relationship. Setting some ground rules about what issues shouldn’t be talked about at first is probably a good idea.
When necessary, wave the white flag. Intense discussions are often difficult and exhausting. If you’re trying to be honest with each other, make sure you allow one another to “drop out” at some point for a cooling off period. Example: I want to resolve this with you but I need a few minutes to cool off. Can we take a ten-minute break?
Be mature. An honest conversation with a loved one can be undermined by name-calling, derisive remarks, or belittling contemptuous comments. Try to avoid that.
Aim for progress, not perfection. Nobody is perfect. Honesty in a relationship requires trust, time and tolerance – And the recognition that you are not perfect either!
To tell the truth or to risk the consequence of telling a lie? The Couple Connection.net relationship advice tries to shed light on what makes relationships work. By taking a look at honesty and truth in our relationships, we can sometimes start to understand our own relationships a bit more and then take steps to try and make them work better.
Tags: Honesty, relationship advice, Relationships
22 Feb 10 Making your Relationship Work in a Modern World
It can be quite difficult to make a relationship work and modern life can make it all the more so. Writer Kate Figes has explored this issue in her book “Couples – The Truth” and it continues to be a challenge facing many couples today.
The quality of our relationships is the key to long term happiness but things are rarely that simple. The day-to-day aspects of modern life can have a profound impact on the quality of a relationship and it is not always a positive thing. It is widely acknowledged that compromising and moving forward together are essential ingredients in a successful relationship, yet maintaining your individuality is just as important. This can be something of a difficult mixture as, Figes observed:
“We understand that relationships are about compromising and giving, but how exactly do you square that when we are also supposed to strive as individual in order to achieve? It can be hard to know where the boundaries lie between putting ‘me’ or ‘us’ first. In addition the modern emphasis on keeping up the appearance of a perfect relationship means that few really talk about the ups and downs.”
This is one such example of modern life compromising the quality of a relationship. It is vital that the ups and downs are discussed if your relationship is to survive. What use is the mere appearance of a perfect relationship if it is quite the opposite in reality? Taking a minute to tell that special someone what it is you love about them can make all the difference and if you have been going through a difficult time lately, just pausing to remember the good times can help you start afresh with a new focus. Problems in your relationship will not resolve themselves, it is up to you and your partner. If you can discuss your relationship in an open and honest fashion, you should not find it impossible to solve any problems you may have. Do not ignore warning signs, seek advice from friends and help from experts at the earliest sign of difficulty.
When you recognise issues facing your relationship, bear in mind that every relationship has its fair share of low points and that it is usually possible to improve. There may even be issues affecting your relationship that you were not aware of and if they are not discovered and addressed, how will you move forward? If you can shed some light on those underlying issues and then discuss them with your partner, you are halfway there.
A good relationship is something you must work hard at, it will not just happen. It is not a failure to admit it to yourself and your partner when you are finding the relationship tough and seeking advice is not a weakness. All it shows is attention and respect towards your relationship and that you want to make it work.
In a busy modern world, finding time to address relationship issues can be difficult. The Couple Connection is a charity that has plenty of online relationship advice that can help you move forward with your partner.
Tags: Couple Connection, relationship advice, relationship issues
